being home.

i've officially been home 28.5 hours, which is actually 3 hours less than it took for me to travel from Southeast Asia to Tennessee.. crazy huh?? i have all kinds of feelings about being home.. it is so sweet to hug my family, spend time with friends, sleep in my bed, and drink real diet coke again. in so many ways i needed to come home- i needed to be with the people that know me the best and most importantly, i needed to be alone. i haven't been truly alone in over 3 weeks, and i have been dreading the thought of it since the minute i left Cambodia.

being alone means dealing with the ache in my heart.

being alone means thinking about these faces and knowing where they are is still a really horrible place that is on the other side of the world from me, away from the reach of my arms to hold them.

being alone means crying out to the Lord until i have no more tears left because my confused heart doesn't understand Him right now.

the bottom line is that i don't want to have to deal with the things i saw because it hurts too much. i don't want to have to face the depths of the sin of this world. the depths of the sin of ME.. because i am NO different from any other. our sins are so deep and real that they affect us even at birth. we are never innocent- not even as children. never deserving of grace. and that is so hard to grasp & understand when i am looking at people who have literally nothing, looking at children who are victims of the worst kind of sin condition. my life would be much easier if i didn't have to try to understand.. but i do have to try.. for these faces, for these people, for the Savior Jesus that died so that i might have life.

i have so many stories to tell from my trip- some of them stories of sadness and pain but many of them sweet stories of joy. my hope is that i'll be able to share some of them with you over the next little while since i didn't have time to blog as much as i wanted to while i was gone! :)