nothing to do with asia :)

i was spending time with my friend Demetria the other day, who has walked with me through the past 8 years of my life..and in all her love for me she was letting me have a small pity party in her living room. :) this has been a challenging year for me for so so many reasons, and our conversation went something like "i can't have one more hard conversation, make one more big decision, think about my future, miss someone else.. this year has just been too much for me. i am weary of it." while i was going on and on, Demetria just sat there quietly watching me- until finally i stopped talking, looked at her and said.. "i signed up for this didnt i?"   ..when i said yes to following Christ, i said yes to becoming more like Him. that means every thing, every relationship, every decision i make is subject first to Him.
my prayers often sound something like "God i want to be more like you. i want to know you more. i want my character to reflect yours." but in my flesh i forget that to actually gain those things it requires walking through hard moments- dying to self- letting go of plans i make for my life. so when i actually have to do the hard things, which lately is more often than not, it's easy to forget that i asked for it and it's for my good.
this year i have been so guilty of thinking- if i can just survive this year.. if i can just make it to summer.. when my sister gets home..when i go to cambodia.. it will all get better & i won't feel half crazy anymore. but that's not true. because if you and i are seeking and asking to be more like Christ- we are constantly surrendering ourselves to Him.  my dad once told me that truly good things are always hard, and i think he's right. the good things we gain from Christ- Christ himself, wisdom, hope, grace, righteousness.. and on and on.. those things are not easy to grasp onto. but man they are so worth the hard we walk through to get there.


i have found myself praying this prayer lately & thought i would share it. may it draw you to surrender all of your self to our Lord.

You, O Christ, are my wealth.  All those things I thought I couldn't live without "dissolve" in a glance from you.  They are nothing when considered in the larger light of your intimate presence.  How difficult it has been to come to this moment!  The moment of letting go!  I. who have learned so well to hoard, grasp, clutch, and control!  Now I want only to be grasped by you.  All my possessions are empty when they become obstacles to my union with you.  O Glance of God, prepare my heart for the Great Surrender.  Enable me to surrender my ego self so that I may put on Christ.  Then I will begin enjoying heaven on earth.  Amen. (Abide by Macrina Wiederkehr)   

stolen from here :)

in other unrelated news.. guess who's coming home TOMORROW?! GLORY GLORY!