if i could go..

i'm fully aware that it's not good to spend your life wishing you were somewhere else doing something else. in fact, lately God has been very CLEARLY teaching me what it looks like to abide in Him, which requires a lot of staying put and being still and resting. all of those things are really not easy. the past month or so has been honestly pretty hard- and it has caused me to sometimes long for a little adventure. (i know what you're thinking.. i just got back from Asia.. how could i be complaining about not having adventure? ha )

to ease my stuck-in-knoxville blues, or maybe make them worse, here are some things i wish i was doing:

driving along the coast of Cali

biking the Sound of Music tour in Austria

going to a Lumineers concert

visiting my 2nd family in Dallas

relaxing in this beauty of a place.. its been too long!

now that i've depressed myself and you too.. happy almost weekend :)

forts

*picture from pinterest

when i was little one of my favorite things to do was to build forts. my brother and sister and i would build these forts out of sheets that spread out all over the living room. we would stick books on the ends of them to hold them down and lay our sleeping bags underneath. i would spend all day in those forts just reading my books and wishing the fort was a permanent part of our house. it was magic and adventure and surprise all hidden under that sheet. i got to be whoever and whatever i wanted while it was up, and my imagination would come to life.
my book characters became friends, my dreams stretched wide, my heart was full.
but just like any game- the fort always came down. my mom loves a good clean room, she always has, so it was rare that a fort would stay for more than a day. the fort came down and then it was back to regular life, regular dreams, regular fun in my regular room.

you know the beauty of serving the God we do? we don't have to hide under forts made of sheets to live a life full of dreams and adventure. we can be who He has created us to be and our dreams can stretch all the way to the other side of the world.. the God that created us fearfully and wonderfully knows our hearts and cherishes them.

it is so easy for me to forget that. some days i get so wrapped up in what my life isn't and what i haven't yet 'accomplished' that i get scared to dream. i grasp tightly to my fears instead of releasing them, and i hide my desires in my heart because i'm afraid God doesn't care enough to do anything with them. some days i think that my fear might swallow me up and never let me go. but God is so GOOD. I'm learning we have to know Him when we are brought low and when we abound (philippians 4:12). And He meets us in our messes and even then He just might choose to give us the desires in our hearts..or maybe His desire for us is better. Sometimes those desires feel impossible, and all of the time we don't deserve them, but still He gives good things. He gives in loneliness, He gives in weakness, He gives in plenty, He gives in laughter, He gives in messy, He gives in the middle of 20 six year olds that don't understand what a question is :) .. He just gives and gives, so that we may be more like Him.
..and THAT makes me want to tear down my forts and dream of a God who can do great and mighty things.

the sweetest thing

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been 
the longing to find 

the place where all the beauty came from." - CS Lewis

31 days. 10 planes. 6 buses. 13 hotels. 6 cities. It's hard to believe that we are at the end.. but here I sit in the LA airport,  really alone for the first time in a month. It's a weird feeling but so good to reflect on the busyness that overtook the last week of my trip. Caitlyn and I began our  week together in one of our favorite cities, resting for a few days at the beach. We took time to sleep in, read, and eat some delicious meals together. It was a much needed break for us. 

                                                                              

We took the morning of one of our days "rest days" and joined the team to visit a tribal village and encourage the people there. We brought lunch to the children and took their pictures- they had never had a picture taken of themselves! To protect their location, we met them in the middle of a rocky stream. It was quite an adventure to get there but SO BEAUTIFUL. One of those moments when you look around and have very few words for the creation in front of your eyes. Times like that make me wonder how my trust in the Lord could ever waiver when He took the time to so intricately design such beauty. When we walked up to stream and saw the people there, they were sitting up on a rock waiting for us. Southeast Asians think that light skin is beautiful and do anything they can to keep from getting tan- but I LOVE how tribal children look. That dark skin melts my heart- I would like to scoop them all up and carry them away! As we handed out food and sang songs for them, I couldn't help but think that this might be how Jesus would meet people.. quietly, under a tree between the mountains that his Father created. It was a day I will forever remember.

The rest of this week was full of flying from one city to another for child and home assessments. It has been an amazing privilege to sit with each individual child and hear how their year is going. We  also took time to pray over them, and the homes were so gracious to feed us delicious meals! There have been moments where we have so clearly seen the Lord's hand in the lives of these children, there have been a few moments of sorrow at the hardships they face, and there have many been moments of holy- when I feel a hand squeeze mine and know that the Holy Spirit is meeting us in the middle of fans blowing, through a translator that may not quite say what I mean, an occasional rat running by the door. Meeting us to encourage, work, and move in ways we can't even begin to imagine.

one of the homes we did assessments on

As I fly farther and farther away from my favorite place and people, my heart is full. I leave with so much knowledge in my head, strength in my heart, a more confident picture of who Christ has made me to be, and a deeper love for His people. One of the people we met in at the beginning of our time in Cambodia told us "we live out of deep relationships wherever we are" and that statement really struck me at my core. I have always wondered why it's so hard for me to say goodbye to people when I know I'll see them again, why I cling so tightly to relationships in my life, why change is difficult for me.. now I see it's because I find so much delight in living life with others. When I'm in America, I live deeply in my relationships there but I deeply miss my SE Asian family. When I'm in Asia,  I live deeply in my relationships there but a part of me misses people at home. Maybe it's a lose-lose situation because I'm always missing someone :) But I think it's pretty life-giving to know that there are people that I cherish and that spur me on towards Christ no matter where I am.

So home.. here I come. With quite a few tears in my eyes as I leave 1/2 of my heart in a land where rice, humidity, and beautiful children abound..  but I return home with such sweet memories of a month full of adventure, knowledge, and growth.

"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" 2 cor 9:15

taste and see

"Taste and see that the Lord is good, 

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!"

Psalm 34:8

There are so many ways that the Lord has allowed me to taste His goodness in the past 5 days. 

HOL camp 2012

Monday afternoon, I walked around the property where we chose to have HOL camp this year and was met with screams and hugs and 75 versions of "I missed you, I love you's" in broken English. I scanned faces for changes, listened to conversations for English improvements, asked questions that I've been praying over for the past year. Taste and see that I am good.

Tuesday night, I sat around a table filled with dark hair and brown-eyed faces, watching them clink their chopsticks together.. eating bamboo, pork, tofu, and morning glory. Every now and then, a random piece of food I didn't choose for myself would find its way into my bowl, and I would smile. Someone at the table was choosing to care for me. Taste and see that I am good.

Thursday night, I sat with a sweet friend and listened as she shared with me a deep disappointment in her life. As tears rolled down her cheeks, I prayed over her to our God that does not condemn, but guides us. Later that night, that same friend layed in my twin bed and whispered to me her dreams for the future- to serve children in Africa. Taste and see that I am good.

All week I got to laugh, sing, and be (literally) drug around camp by the little girl I sponsor. So many moments of joy as our hearts connected, and as she pointed to me and whispered "family."
Taste and see that I am good.

Camp is fun every year- always full of laughter, so many hugs, so many memories. For me, the best part is that there are relationships even through language barriers and cultural differences. I love the way the Lord has allowed me to be a small part in the stories behind these faces, to pray over them, and to know them. I see how God is moving in their lives- healing, redeeming, restoring- I see beauty from ashes. I see a beautiful picture of the gospel.


Only 6 more days here in Southeast Asia- Caitlyn & I will spend it doing evaluations on 3 of the homes in 2 different cities. We will be busy, but we want to finish well. Thanks for praying with and encouraging us!

two dollars

tuk-tuk ride

Two dollars. What would you do with two dollars? In America two dollars can't buy me much- a diet coke, a pack of gum, maybe some hair ties. In Cambodia, the average person survives on $2 a day. It is a different world from my closet full of clothes for every season and my comfy bed (which i do miss very much!) Walking down the street here, my eyes see things that my American mind isn't sure how to process sometimes. a blind man whistling a sad song as he aimlessly shuffles along.. young girls at dinner beside me with an old white man.. teenage boys paving roads instead of spending their days in school.. families forced to live in boats because they have no rights to own land.. children selling things on the streets to make money. I could go on and on at the injustice that screams from these streets. There is so much need in front of me.

And then Caitlyn and I go to meeting after meeting, where we hear things like- most Cambodians take their children out of school at 12 years old because they believe it's time for them to work. Or- the church makes up 2% of the population here, and many of those believers are not committed or uneducated. We hear that the people of this nation are selling their children for money- that they don't know how to parent well.. that 40% of the entire country is under the age of 18.

MY. HEAD. SPINS.

Where do you even start in all of that? The big picture of it all, it is enough to break a heart and make you want to run away. But then I remember some of my favorite moments of the past two weeks, in a nation full of the most kind and gentle people I've ever known: the lady at the street market smiling as she touched my skin to feel its softness. Our tuk-tuk drivers wanting to care for us everywhere we go. People pouring their hearts out to us as they share about the work they are doing here. Walking through an elementary school in the poorest of places and hearing children sing about Jesus. Getting kissed on the cheek by our tuk-tuk driver after he drove us through a crazy monsoon. People praying over us and telling us not to give up on our dream, even though it will be hard.
Those moments make me realize that God is alive here- He's alive period- and He is a gift worth giving to people even if I'm overwhelmed or if I'm content, even if they sit in poverty or in riches, even in the heat or in the rain, in both my selfishness and in their brokenness apart from Christ.
Life with Jesus is WORTH SHARING.
I want the truth of that to be written on my heart for all of my days.

we will miss you Cambodia! :(

Tomorrow morning, Caitlyn and I will head back to Vietnam for the 2nd part of our trip. Her fiance, Teddy, will join us for a few days and we're super excited to have him along! It's bittersweet to think that my time in Cambodia is already over. I leave with this prayer on my heart:

Isaiah 62

"Because I love Zion I will not keep still.

Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem I cannot remain silent.

I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn

and her salvation blazes like a torch...

and you will be given a new name by the Lord's own mouth.

The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see- 

a splendid crown in the hand of God.

Never again will you be called 

"The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land"

Your name will be.. "The City of God's Delight" 

for the Lord delights in you."

Cambodia pictures

"The Earth is the Lord's and everything in it.

The world and all its people belong to Him."

psalm 21:1

 

a small floating village outside phnom penh

a beautiful afternoon trip outside the city

 just roasting a duck :)

 

a woman collecting recyclable trash for money

 a village road

the market

We have 4 full days left in Cambodia.. pray that Caitlyn & I will take time to press into the Lord through scripture and prayer as we finish out this part of our trip. We have learned much in these 2 weeks here and have much to process through. We are ready to jump in, to help children, to be deeply invested in this country and in lives here- but we know all of those things take time. I sit across from my friend now and watch her and think.. what will all of this be in 5 years? Oh I just long to know. For now I will wait and pray and dream some more. :)

the first few days

The first 6 days in Cambodia have been full of FOOD.. laughing.. and adventure. Caitlyn and I are constantly looking at each other and saying "we are here. we are REALLY here!" We have been dreaming about this place since the day we left, and finally all that dreaming and praying is reality.
It's so fun to explore the country with a friend like Caitlyn, who will try anything and talk me into doing the same. I am grateful for her heart for children at-risk, Cambodia & Vietnam, the poor, Jesus and me! God knew just what He was doing when we sat together in the same small group 9 years ago.

The past two days, we traveled to the city of Kampong Cham for our first meeting. It's about a 4 hour bus ride from Phnom Penh, so I had some time to put in my ipod and be still. I looked out the window and watched as we drove by village after village.. eventually I pulled out my bible and decided to pray. My heart just cries out for this country. For God to break chains of injustice, to capture hearts and redeem lives. I prayed over the fields, the stilt houses, and the dirt roads as we passed by. Selfishly I want to be a part of the story God is writing here- but more than that I just want the Lord to do mighty things in the lives of these people.

"He will rescue the poor when they cry to Him;

He will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.

He feels pity for the weak and the needy,

and he will rescue them.

...for their lives are precious to Him" 

Psalm 72:12-14

on the drive to Kampong Cham

When we got to Kampong Cham, we met with a sweet missionary couple that are serving the Vietnamese there. They were incredibly encouraging to Caitlyn & I. They invited us into their home, took us around the city, showed us their ministry, and made us feel like we were close friends. We were able to share about our work with Homes of Love and what we hope to do in Cambodia one day. The couple challenged us, gave us advice, and encouraged us greatly. Caitlyn and I both walked away from our time with them feeling as if the Lord is providing for us in ways we had never imagined. Isn't God just like that? What a good good God He truly is.

Now onto the less serious stuff..
If you know me well, you know that I spend most of my Saturday mornings at the Y doing Zumba. Great news.. I found some Cambodian zumba, or maybe more like jazzercise, in the middle of the sidewalk so of course I decided to join in!

Here are a few more pictures from our time in Kampong Cham..

I am obsessed with his sweet smile :)

me and a cow in Kampong Cham

One thing I've always wanted to find in Cambodia is a cooked tarantula.. and HOORAY yesterday was that day.  I couldn't bring myself to eat the body, but I did manage to get down a leg. It sort of tasted like BBQ... just a little more hairy :)

feet on the ground

There is nothing like stepping out of the airport into Vietnam. Immediately your nose is greeted with the smell of trash, humidity, rice, and motorbike fumes all mixed together. Most who smell it would crinkle their nose in digust, but to me it smells like home. There are people everywhere- waiting for someone.. waiting for no one.. I'm not sure, but it makes me feel famous every time I walk into the crowd with my weary feet and heavy backpack.

For the 1st time of the many that I have stepped out of that airport, I didn't feel the huge thrill of excitement or rush of nerves that I normally feel. Instead I just smiled with peace. So very clearly the Lord has determined my steps over the past 9 years of traveling to Asia.. and I am so ready for this month to come.

Caitlyn and I made it into Vietnam last night, slept for a few hours, and hopped on the bus to Cambodia this morning. We ate our first Cambodian meal for dinner (and I liked it!) and are sitting on the roof of our hostel enjoying the cool breeze together. I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be at the moment.

view from the roof of our hostel

To those of you that sent me off with letters, texts, voicemails & phone calls- I am so grateful. Your encouraging words gave me life and strength through long travel. Thank you! God truly gives me more than I deserve through you. :)

    "You go before me and follow me. 

You place Your hand of blessing on my head. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!" 

psalm 149

More to come soon..

Will you walk with me?

down streets that are dusty, as motorbikes zoom by, past fruit markets and rice stands..
Will you walk with me? 
into a country where just 30 years ago, civil war broke out and 1/4 of the population was killed.. 20,000 people. Mostly the educated and well-off.  A whole generation erased.
Will you walk with me?
through villages where families are selling children into sex-trafficking because they are that desperate. It is becoming normal.
Will you walk with me?
as I explore a dream God has so clearly planted in my heart- to open homes for children at-risk in Cambodia, to raise them up in a family where they are being taught the gospel and will one day be leaders in their communities, villages, in their country..all for the glory of Christ.

 

On June 27, my friend Caitlyn Chesney and I will be boarding a plane headed for Cambodia to begin exploring the possibility of opening Homes of Love Cambodia. We hope to spend some time shadowing an organization that is already established in-country, as well as meet with as many people working there as we can! There is so much to learn, decisions to make, and relationships to build. Caitlyn and I feel so unworthy of the task before us, yet so excited to be a small part of God's heart for His children.. and what beautiful children they are!

Caitlyn & I, Cambodia 2011

The last 2 weeks of our trip will be spend in a neighboring country that I have visited many times. :) We will join our church for the camp they put on every year for the HOL children there, and then we will travel around and do some interviews with the children & parents in their homes. It is always so special to set foot into the homes and be treated like family- I can't wait!

dinner in a home

There is nothing I would love more than for you to walk with me as I go to Cambodia and Vietnam this summer. If you want to get emails every time I update my blog, you can click "join this site" to the right.


You can also walk with me through prayer.  Pray..

-for favor with the people we are meeting with- both Cambodians and internationals working on the ground there
-for me as I walk into dark places again. My last trip there was very emotionally challenging for me and I want to be able to push through the emotions of what is around me so that I can effectively accomplish what I'm there to do.
-for clear minds and wisdom as we seek the Lord's heart for Homes of Love Cambodia
-for safe travel and good health

"but forget all that- it is nothing compared to what i am going to do. for i am about to do something new. see, i have already begun! do you not see it? i will make a pathway through the wilderness. i will create rivers in the dry wasteland." 

isaiah 42:18-19

steps

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

-Henry David Thoreau

i hope my path in Asia becomes so deep over the years that you couldn't miss it if you tried.

i hope my thoughts are evident through my words and actions- and that they reflect the heart of Christ.

nothing to do with asia :)

i was spending time with my friend Demetria the other day, who has walked with me through the past 8 years of my life..and in all her love for me she was letting me have a small pity party in her living room. :) this has been a challenging year for me for so so many reasons, and our conversation went something like "i can't have one more hard conversation, make one more big decision, think about my future, miss someone else.. this year has just been too much for me. i am weary of it." while i was going on and on, Demetria just sat there quietly watching me- until finally i stopped talking, looked at her and said.. "i signed up for this didnt i?"   ..when i said yes to following Christ, i said yes to becoming more like Him. that means every thing, every relationship, every decision i make is subject first to Him.
my prayers often sound something like "God i want to be more like you. i want to know you more. i want my character to reflect yours." but in my flesh i forget that to actually gain those things it requires walking through hard moments- dying to self- letting go of plans i make for my life. so when i actually have to do the hard things, which lately is more often than not, it's easy to forget that i asked for it and it's for my good.
this year i have been so guilty of thinking- if i can just survive this year.. if i can just make it to summer.. when my sister gets home..when i go to cambodia.. it will all get better & i won't feel half crazy anymore. but that's not true. because if you and i are seeking and asking to be more like Christ- we are constantly surrendering ourselves to Him.  my dad once told me that truly good things are always hard, and i think he's right. the good things we gain from Christ- Christ himself, wisdom, hope, grace, righteousness.. and on and on.. those things are not easy to grasp onto. but man they are so worth the hard we walk through to get there.


i have found myself praying this prayer lately & thought i would share it. may it draw you to surrender all of your self to our Lord.

You, O Christ, are my wealth.  All those things I thought I couldn't live without "dissolve" in a glance from you.  They are nothing when considered in the larger light of your intimate presence.  How difficult it has been to come to this moment!  The moment of letting go!  I. who have learned so well to hoard, grasp, clutch, and control!  Now I want only to be grasped by you.  All my possessions are empty when they become obstacles to my union with you.  O Glance of God, prepare my heart for the Great Surrender.  Enable me to surrender my ego self so that I may put on Christ.  Then I will begin enjoying heaven on earth.  Amen. (Abide by Macrina Wiederkehr)   

stolen from here :)

in other unrelated news.. guess who's coming home TOMORROW?! GLORY GLORY!

i hurt too.

for some reason tonight, i felt like sharing a video of southeast asia that caitlyn's brother nathan put together.. maybe i'm just missing pork & rice a lot :) or maybe God has my heart there for a reason, not sure.

there are a few reasons i love this video. one of them is because every time i watch i forget that my feet are currently planted in america and for a few minutes i'm back there again. i smell the dirt and trash, i feel the heat, it's all SO real to me for a moment. i love it i love it i love it.

another reason i love this video is because it's such a vivid reminder that people are hurting in this world. every shot, every picture, every angle shouts out of another's pain or suffering. PEOPLE NEED JESUS. the precious people in asia need the truth of the Gospel so much- they are trying to fill their loneliness with false gods, idols, evil evil things like sex and the trafficking of others, economic prosperity.. sometimes i just get overwhelmed with it all.

last reason i love this video? because God, in all His goodness and mercy and compassion, knows every single child's name in that video. while you and i see beautiful faces, God sees a name and a heart and a story. how incredible that our God comes down to be with us and know us that way.

"..I would not forget you! see, I have written your names in the palm of My hand." isaiah 49